Dear Deva and Miten,

Very conscious to hold this pause in our thread with deep respect in it’s sacredness; it has seemed right to hold off from writing further; until now with close friends and colleagues urging me to reach out for support for myself, to be able to complete this work, it is moving me to be much more forthcoming than usual.

It is with such regret to have sent the audio messages in the thread on messenger; my marvelling at the miracle that occurred involving my hearing the songs from your retreat (even in not knowing you were on retreat) and the 'visitation' from the 'being' that is Costa Rica; the amazing feeling of her welcome and a unprecedented (for me) most welcome feeling of safety; and with her showing me connections to you there; had me move to communicate with you in haste.

In doing so, the message missed my acknowledgement of my own pause in replying to your beautiful heartening message in 2021; which arrived during my transition to Mexico; where a health crisis ensued; all very much a part of the book/journey/recovery ....and it was intense to be there alone.  

My fierce determination, driven by the 'message' in meditation to create 'a guide to multidimensional approaches to recovery, restitution and regeneration after rape and sexual abuse; and of knowing of this being so essential to children of today, our elders, parents and communities of the future; and by adult men and women too; and perhaps propelled in parts by a trauma response; has been a profoundly healing and transformational journey since 2018.

And, especially with world events from 2020, has been intensely challenging to sustain and navigate; with events connecting with issues especially re. body sovereignty and consent.

Having had time off with leadership and women's 121 work since the memories came back in late 2018, then my back-up events work closing due to lockdowns, my sustaining this journey has been intense; all of my savings have gone into this recovery journey since 2018 and the years before when the deeper inquiry began in 2002.

Regretably, this has resulted in losing my home, living in my car/van until 2022 and then either my trauma, or natural intelligence has brought me to being in a gifted a room in an apartment in an old house, feeling unsafe with two men strangers who are also going through major court cases; a powerful catalyst for remaining memories/trauma to process; and it’s now done, enough.

My case is in it’s very early beginnings; as it turns out the man has changed his name and is back in the public domain; having been in prison for what he did to me and many other children also, over a long period of time.

It’s a massive breakthrough to give voice to this now, and reach out to you and others; for a trauma response had me stop communicating.

And this all deeply vauable insight and learnings for others, young and adult; on many levels.

To have this shared, and contrinite to others avoiding these situations, with the benefit of what is known to me now, is a worthy ideal to aim for.

It is a huge step to say this is how it is.

And to voice that urgent assistance in needed.

For me to find a safe haven, and make very beautiful lemonade with these lemons; there is much to share. And they deserve to be shared well :) Support for the project enables me to sustain my work on it.

It is with this, that my message comes now; first with a check if it is welcome to hear from me about my work/project that may be of interest for you to support.

It may well be that times have moved on, the energy has shifted and the welcome is no longer alive. And that’s to be honoured too. There is so much you are tending with your projects and with your growing sangha… and all that is life too.

The work has evolved so beautifully as may have come across in some of my earlier messages. It is my leela blossoming Deva and Miten; my play; and as you said in Arillas, there is a seriousness to me too; and that is present in the dharma that brought me to this life, with work such as this. Serious stuff; and now beaming with leela at heart :)

My jyotish chart shows my dharma with double exalted planets; one that has me reverred in India; and that thankfully shows me moving into a new more easful phase; with all things venus being challenging, and then transformed through art, design and higher learning.

Which is such a match to where this work has now come to.

My deep love and gratitude to you both for this sangha, for you, for your tending of safe space for us all to heal, and for your songs and the love you share with so many.

It still makes me marvel to discover upon arriving at Arillas, that it was to a sannyasin sangha; 8 years after finding myself living in Lane 5 Koregaon Park to find it to be a sannyasin enclave!

The mystery of it: following flow.

So much love to you both for you the waves of love that ripple from you, beyond time and space; ‘in the light of love’ comes to me often; holding that dearly in my heart.

And it concerns me to think, that in the lead up to all of this happening, youro gift of a CD to me, at my missing the Arillas retreat in 2017 with pregnancy loss, went without a thankyou note. Thankyou dearly and my apologies. The thread got lost in a sea of grief.

So delighted to see you both so well and vital and tending your sangha with such care.

Wholeheartedly

karen leela grace xxxxxxxxx